I learned a long time ago that art is about pleasing other people as much as it is about making yourself happy.
But, in the rare moment where it does please someone other than yourself, that moment is amazing.
Every time someone compliments my work I’m shocked and in awe.
When they recognize my heart and soul in my work I cannot begin to describe the joy I experience.
Last night I partipicated in I Heart Art: Portland’s Mixer Match.
It was a speed networking event, where artists had two minutes with each curator/shop owner.
I panicked all day, cried, stressed out about my presentation.
Then one I was there it was good. Really good.
Everyone had the kindest things to say about my work.
Even those who couldn’t put me in their space.
Its always nice to be validated, especially by strangers who don’t know you.
Got some great critiques and  suggestions.
Its my goal to show more work and so despite being out of my comfort zone,
I’m learning how to share my work, myself, with others.
Sometimes it’ll be a positive response and others not.
But I’m learning!

{before you read this you should listen to the song Sad Eyes by Josh Rouse. Its one of my favorite songs ever}

the first thing Leif told me when he saw these photos was that my eyes looked sad
And I purposefully took photos of myself when I was feeling sad. Saddest I’ve ever felt.
Its one thing to see yourself in a mirror but a photograph says so much more.
I’ve stared at these photos and can remember the exact thoughts I was thinking and the feeling I was feeling.
I’m not one to enjoy photos of myself but I’m forcing myself to take photos.
I want to remember as much as possible.

This season of my life has been very bittersweet.
A lot of growth for me as an artist & person but with that also came realizations that I’ve tried to avoid.

I’m not the same girl I was last year.
That both excites me and makes me sad.
It’s interesting when you really understand that there is no going back.
Ever.
Only forward.
To say I don’t have regrets or that I don’t want to change parts of my life would be a lie.
But I’m learning that that’s okay.
Its okay to be sad.
Its okay to cry.
It’s okay to admit that you were wrong, and to apologize.
It’s okay to be weak and vulnerable.
It’s okay to make mistakes, especially if you learn from them.

I thought I knew how to love, how to live, how to be me.
But I’m just beginning to understand and despite the heartbreak
and despite the growing pains,
the journey, is beautiful.
So beautiful.
I want to celebrate every part of it, even the saddest moments like this.
Because come tomorrow I’ll look back and smile back on this time.
I’ll be thankful for the trial that resulted in growth and wisdom.

That’s my favorite part about getting older.
I also love that the sun always shines.

{I had to share this photo. Riley lovers to copy her father. Makes me smile}

I have a battle, constantly happening inside.
I’m always trying to find the perfect balance between practicing my photography
the way I want & running a business and making money.
I have compromised myself a lot in my life, probably more so than a lot of people,
I refuse to do that with something that I would say is my calling.

Not compromising myself is hard though.
Sometimes I get upset because I don’t make the kind of money I’d love to make.
Or that I don’t do the kind of shooting that would make me that money.
I get sad because some people don’t understand where I’m coming from with my work
and tell me its not as good as “so and so’s”.
I see fellow photographers doing well and question myself for going down the path I’m walking down.

I don’t think theres a right and wrong way to go about photography and running a business.
I just know for myself, personally, there is a balance I need to find.
I’m slowly figuring it out, and for the first time in my life I’m truly being patient.
I’m trusting that my heart knows its desires and that God always knows them.

I have this dream to work with people who want portraits of themselves.
Portraits of who they really are.
Not dressing up or being someone they’re not.
Not basing their poses off of something they’ve already seen.
I just want to photograph who they are.
Because that’s what makes them different.
Sets them apart.
To me, that’s something that cannot be mimicked.
Cannot be recreated.
I want to celebrate you, as you are.

That’s my heart.
I believe in the honest, the genuine, the spirit of a person.
I believe in capturing that & sharing that with them.
I want every person I photograph to see themselves as they are.
See how they are set apart and rare because,
there is only one of them.

Just typing this makes my heart beat faster and makes me have to catch my breath.
I’m finding my footing as you can see and hear from this journey.
I know the kind of photographs I want to take and give.
I want to share what makes a person great, what makes them who they are.

I no longer say impossible.
Or never.
Every dream I have is within my reach.
And this dream of shooting portraits in this way, its happening.
Everyday I step closer to it.
And I’m about to step over and never look back.

With that said…
I want to take your portrait
I want to sit down with you and talk to you.
I want to hear your story and get to know what makes you happy
what doesn’t make you happy.
If you’re interested in letting me snap a few photos of you.
Being you.
Please email me!

And even if you don’t want a picture, seriously email me so I can thank you for reading my blog:)!

I’ve been quiet over here on my blog.
On my facebook page.
My camera hasen’t been picked up as often as it once was.

There was a time when I first started doing photographer professionally that all my weekends were full of shoots.
All my days & nights were spent editing and responding to emails.
And honestly, many a day fighting with Leif about my schedule.

It hit me one day that I was spending a lot more time with my computer, than with my family and my friends.
Even though Leif had told me that I didn’t want to hear him.
When we moved to Oregon I jumped right back into this lifestyle, realizing that I was tired.
I was missing my kids, I was missing my husband.

Then I began to see myself as weak.
So many other women are mothers and wives, and they have perfected the balance that comes with having a family and a small business.
Why haven’t I?
What is wrong with me?

So I decided to start over.
To take a break, to have a season where I simply focused on my family & my friends.
I will always have my photography, but it isn’t my only priority.
I’ve learned to not rush through my day.
I’ve learned to listen to Leif and Riley and Beck.
We play a lot.
We laugh a lot.
We love.

Whenever I drop Riley off for school the moms are always rushing off to go to the gym, or to meetings.
Me and the kids jump in the puddles and take our time walking to class.
In the store we play hide and seek, and dress up.
Beck and I go on dates, and Riley and I cook together.
We have dance parties a few times a day.
We call family constantly and daddy spends lunches with us when he can.
We believe in picnics for most meals and sometimes ice cream is dinner.
And cupcakes are breakfast.

My house is a bit messier and I’m not sure when I really cooked a big meal last.
But everyday for the past few weeks we’ve cuddled, and read books, and told each other how much we love each other.
Our adventures are bigger and more grand.
Even if they’re just under our kitchen table or in the closet.

There will always be bathrooms to clean, windows to wash and beds to make.
But my husband won’t be in this season of his life much longer.
My kids won’t be 3 and 1 for much longer (Beck turns 2 on Sunday!)
I want to appreciate every moment and not put it off.

This season of my life started out very rough, but has turned into the most magical experience I’ve ever had.
Its overflowing into every part of my life… including photography.

A few weeks back I picked up Riley and while we were walking out of her class she insisted we stop so she could smell the flowers.
Beck mimicked her and told me I should too.
I am full of a joy I’ve never had before.
A joy I don’t think I would have had if I had kept plowing forward without really seeing my family for who they are.
Without really sitting down with my friends and hearing their stories.

I miss photography everyday.
Yet, I needed this season.
& I think my photography needed it as well.

Tomorrow is not promised to us.
But oh!
We have today and how wonderful today is!
How glorious the adventures we might go on.
The wisdom we might gain.
Oh!
The love that is yet to be shared and experience.
Today there will be miracles.